I was pretty confident about birth – I have Lazy Daisy to thank for that and even though it was nothing like I expected and was more traumatic than I thought, being confident leading up to it really helped me relax in the weeks before.
I was also pretty confident that I could do the whole parenting thing – I’d had much younger siblings so remembered about nappy changes and cradle cap and colic. I just sort of assumed it would fall into place easily and I wasn’t worried about not being able to do it.
But those first few weeks totally and utterly knocked my confidence. I had a baby who screamed no matter what I did. One day I would put him on my chest to soothe him and it would work, so the next day I would confidently do the same and it wouldn’t. Some days I could take him out and he’d sleep, so I’d get confident about venturing out and then next time he’d scream.
But slowly, I feel like I’m getting the hang of this. I know a little bit more about what this little creature wants – and I have finally accepted that it doesn’t matter that much if I don’t. I feel a bit more sure that I can cheer him up if he cries when we’re out and the world won’t end if I can’t. I suddenly realised today that the confidence that was so shaken early on has slowly been creeping back and I really am getting the hang of this. I’m pretty sure that once it has returned more securely, then I will feel like me a bit more again. At least, this new version of me that I’m becoming.
I ha no idea just how important confidence is when being a mother and just how fragile a little sucker it is. But I’ve got it within my grasp now and I’m not letting it get away!!